A
LETTER TO THE US
FROM JOHN CLEESE
To the citizens of
the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a
competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
today.
Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does not fancy.
Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.8% of you
who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America. Congress and the Senate
are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid your
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up
"revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check
"aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad
language then you should not have chat shows.
2. There is no such
thing as "US English." We'll let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u'.
3. You should learn
to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that
hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or
Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will
no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no
such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is
"Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all
American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. You should
relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1.
5. You should stop
playing American "football." There's only one kind of
football. What you call American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed no one else plays "American"
football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it
would be best if you played with the girls. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
two seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies) You
should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls'
game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy
team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
6. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in
public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough
to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a
vegetable peeler.
7. July 4th is no
longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday.
It will be called "Indecisive Day."
8. All American cars
are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we
show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road
intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the
benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help
you understand the British sense of humour.
9. Learn to make
real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips.
Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including
the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a
country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps."
Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional
accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
10. The cold
tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British
Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known
as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as
"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the
American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be
sold without risk of confusion.
11. The UK will
harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be
permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting
UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).
12. Learn to resolve
personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need
many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be
independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough
to handle a gun.
13. Please tell us
who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
14. Tax collectors
from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your
co-operation.
* John Cleese [Basil
Fawlty, Fawlty Towers, Sir Lancelot of Camelot (Monty Python &
The Quest for the Holy Grail), Torquay, Devon, England]
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