The
Sunbed King stifles a yawn at Chequers while Keir twitches at the press
John
Crace
Trump was
in his own Truman show, everyone else satellites to his ego – even the PM, who
was just another beta male
Thu 18
Sep 2025 18.53 BST
It takes
all sorts. Standing around under gun-metal skies watching soldiers isn’t many
people’s idea of fun but world leaders are a different breed. No bit of
pageantry and flattery goes unnoticed. So why not give Donald Trump the full
Disney treatment he craves? After all, it wasn’t as if he was going to be
allowed to stray outside the Windsor Castle compound and it was better than
making the king sit indoors and watch Fox News.
But if
Wednesday was the softening up – “You’re great, you’re the best, the world
would stop without you. We’ve never done anything like this for anyone else”
Thursday was very much the business end of the state visit. And the one moment
of real danger for the US president and Keir Starmer. The Chequers press
conference at which everything could go tits up. The one bit of the trip that
wasn’t entirely scripted.
You could
see the anxiety in Starmer’s eyes as he and the Sunbed King entered the Great
Hall in Chequers. A room of wood panels and countless mediocre portraits. The
US press corps all stood and applauded. Seriously? The UK pack remained seated.
Keir gave an anxious glance towards the phalanx of journalists. “Please don’t
screw this up for me, guys. Just give me this one win.” The Donald looked
unmoved. As so often, lost in his own world. His own Truman show. The centre of
the universe. Everyone else mere satellites to his ego. Even Keir. Especially
Keir. Just another beta male.
Starmer
kicked things off with a run-of-the-mill speech designed not to rock the boat.
Everything was fantastic. This had been the best state visit ever and no one
could tell him differently. Britain and the US had always loved each other and
always would. No more so than now. And all thanks to the US president. Perhaps
Keir hadn’t bothered to check that The Donald isn’t that popular this side of
the Atlantic. But back to Trump. He was the best. The bringer of tech trade
deals. The architect of world peace. Better even than Bono.
All the
while, The Donald looked bored out of his mind. As if he would rather be
anywhere other than answering questions from the media. As if he was tired of
schmoozing the UK prime minister and couldn’t wait to get back to DC. Or maybe
he was just reminiscing about Wednesday night’s farmhouse chicken at the state
banquet. That’s what he had really come to the UK for. All this was just
routine. No glitz. No glory.
Eventually
Keir wound up and handed over to Agent Orange. The Donald looked down at his
notes. BE GRATEFUL. DON’T ROCK THE BOAT. TRY NOT TO HUMILIATE STARMER IN HIS
OWN BACK YARD. Sure. He could just about manage that. He was thankful for the
rightful honours that had been bestowed on him. The king – “a fantastic person”
– would never have done this for Joe Biden. Biden was a loser. The worst.
He, The
Great Donald, had personally resolved seven of the most intractable wars around
the world. He came in peace. Just a shame he hadn’t been able to make progress
on Ukraine or Gaza. But he would get around to it sooner or later. Just don’t
mention the recent Alaska summit in which he had been made to look a fool by
Vladimir Putin.
Then came
the questions. The first from the BBC on Palestine and Israel. Trump was the
only man with influence over Israel. Why wasn’t he using it? Starmer assured us
they had talked a great deal about this. They both wanted the war to end and
for the hostages to be released. Trump just mumbled. It seemed like the great
peacemaker was as clueless on how to resolve the situation as the rest of us.
The people of Gaza can expect to be bombed for a while yet.
On the
question of illegal immigration, The Donald had some kind words of advice. Send
in the military. Crack a few skulls. Get some target practice in. That’s what
he’d done and it had worked a treat. Keir looked twitchy at this. He had
returned one Indian to France overnight. That was a start. Luckily, we quickly
moved on to global politics again. In breaking news, The Donald declared that
he had now ended one of the world’s worst conflicts. Between Albania and
Azerbaijan. A war the world didn’t even know was taking place. For the simple
reason that it wasn’t. Perhaps I have inadvertently stopped a war between
Australia and Turkmenistan.
Donald
Trump largely avoided criticising Keir Starmer over Palestinian statehood or
attacking Britain on free speech
The
Donald answered his three questions from the US media with ease. Largely
because he had picked three stooges from rightwing organisations who were never
going to ask anything difficult. Keir could only applaud. There are times when
he must wish he was an American. Though we did get to find out that Keir – at
least for the duration of the state visit – was now a devout Christian. Expect
to see a pile of ashes.
And that
was about it. Starmer breathed a huge sigh of relief. He had survived the
experience without anyone asking the killer question. Feeling demob happy, he
invited a couple more questions from the UK pool. Big mistake. Sure enough, it
was Sky’s Beth Rigby who asked the Mandelson/Epstein question. Really? REALLY?
Did you have to ask that?
Starmer
crumpled. The Donald stepped in. He had never heard of Mandy. Never met him.
Nothing to see here. This was one for Keir. It’s normally Peter who does the
denying three times. This was a lie of epic proportions. Trump had loved Mandy.
His lordship was almost ever present at the White House. A ghost of a smile
crossed Starmer’s face. Perhaps he should try this bullshit.
Time up.
Keir had had enough. He had escaped from this more or less alive. It could have
gone so much worse. He had known Trump was a rogue operator but he could live
with this. Thank fuck the state visit was finally over. Time to focus on
surviving his party conference. “That’s all,” said Starmer. The US press corps
stood up again to applaud.
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