Nigel
Farage swans around peddling hate on Nick Ferrari’s phone-in
John
Crace
From
immigrants eating the king’s waterfowl to sharia law in London, it’s all there
in our Nige’s relativist world
Wed 24
Sep 2025 16.27 BST
“Attention
all swans! Attention all swans! You are not safe! Immigrants from inferior
cultures have been seen loitering with intent to kill in royal parks. They want
to eat you alive. Be very vigilant. All offenders who are caught will be
punishable under sharia law.”
Never say
that a half-hour phone in with Nigel Farage on Nick Ferrari’s LBC morning show
is anything but educational. Listen and learn. It’s an object lesson in how to
perfect the 30-minute hate. Soon to become compulsory if Reform win the next
election.
That’s
the trouble with modern Britain. We just don’t hate well enough. We have to
learn to hate better. Trust no one. And above all, assume that every foreigner
is just a sex offender in waiting. Understand that and you will be welcome in
Nige’s Britain.
The first
call came from Marie. An American with three kids who had lived in the UK for
25 years. She used to work, had paid her taxes but now worked voluntarily as a
school governor. She was here under indefinite leave to remain (ILR). Would she
be deported? Nige didn’t reply. Instead, he went on about the 1.3 million
people who were here under ILR and were just out to milk the benefits system
for £230bn. Ferrari pointed out that this figure was contested. But Nige was
unbothered. It was the principle at stake. Who cared if any of this was
accurate? Keep focused. This was all about the hate.
Marie
observed that he hadn’t answered the question. Would she be deported? Nige
umm-ed and ahh-ed. On balance, he reckoned she probably would be. He knew it
was harsh. She wasn’t the sort of person he primarily had in mind to get rid
of, but there would have to be collateral damage. Fair’s fair. He was fed up
with foreigners clogging up our motorways. If you’re stuck in a traffic jam it
will be an illegal immigrant who caused it.
“You
might be better off at home,” he said to Marie. Home USA. But she could take
her kids if she liked. Bye, bye Marie. Thanks but no thanks. Your time is up.
And close the door of the school where you work behind you. Next?
Then came
a pharmacist. Would Farage endorse Donald Trump’s advice for pregnant women to
not take paracetamol. Not a problem for Nige. Farage often says he lives
rent-free in British politicians’ heads, but Trump lives rent-free in Nige’s.
He is The Donald’s emissary to the UK. An existence dedicated to sanitising
Trump’s madness for a British audience. So Nige hedged his bets. He wouldn’t
necessarily follow the Trump line on tylenol, as it is known in the US. But
there again he wouldn’t trust the World Health Organization or any medical
professionals either.
What you
had to remember was that there was no such thing as science. The real world was
one of relativism. Anything could be true or it could be a lie. And the thing
that had been true one day could be untrue the next. And vice versa. So the
safest thing was not to believe in anything. Trust no one.
Nige
wasn’t about to tell anyone what medicines to take. Overdose on fentanyl if you
feel like it. It’s only the scientists who are saying it will kill you. And yet
Nige had also forgotten that at his own Reform conference a doctor had said it
was highly likely the royals had got cancer from Covid jabs. Should have
trusted the anti-vaxxers. Trust no one, except cranks, conspiracy theorists and
The Donald.
By now we
were deep into the unsettling Maga alternative universe. Nige wouldn’t condemn
Trump for saying that Sadiq Khan was introducing sharia law to London because
that’s not what he had said. Even though he had said it. Here was the thing.
You weren’t supposed to take anything Trump said literally. But you were meant
to take it seriously.
Hmm. How
does this work exactly? Not long ago he was telling Vladimir Putin that Ukraine
would have to concede territory. Now he’s saying the opposite. Which bit are we
meant to take seriously? And what about that war between Armenia and
Azerbaijan?
Rather
than take him seriously and try to second guess the meaning, wouldn’t it be
safer to assume The Donald was making it up as he went along? It might be scary
but it’s more helpful. Endless flattery makes no difference.
Back to
sharia law. Nige knew it was Sadiq’s plan for London because he had been told
about it by a taxi driver from Buckingham. So it must be true. Taxi drivers
know everything. And by the way, Trump was also right that Europe is going to
hell. Our swans and carp were under threat from filthy foreigners. Just as cats
and dogs were being eaten by Haitians in the US. Nige dared Ferrari to prove
him wrong. It’s amazing that so many people still want to visit London. Unpaid
parking fines punishable by being stoned to death.
On to
Israel and Gaza. Nige had a cunning plan to create a Palestinian state in a
piece of desert near the Dead Sea where no one was currently living because it
was totally uninhabitable. But that would do for the Palestinians, and
somewhere would be better than nowhere. They could build the odd canal if they
liked. And with a bit of luck it might end up like Palm Springs. Why hadn’t
anyone thought of this before, we all wondered. Blessed are the peacemakers.
By now we
were racing to the end. Nige did reckon that America might be going a little
far in stamping out free speech from critics of the Republican party. Very big
of him. He seemed to have forgotten that he had banned some journalists from
his own conference. Easily done.
Then a
final one on his home in Clacton. Everything was legit and that was an end to
it. He had nothing more to say except through lawyers. All we wanted to know
was if he had lent his partner the cash. But that was too much.
Then Nige
was off. To spend more time with taxi drivers. How else was he going to find
out about sharia law. And then to patrol the ponds in the royal parks. Those
swans weren’t going to take care of themselves.
Sem comentários:
Enviar um comentário