Nigel Farage is cancelled at last and he’s never
been happier
John Crace
Thanks to the Brussels police the National
Conservatism usual suspects could feel they really were relevant and important
Tue 16 Apr
2024 19.08 BST
You’ve
seldom seen Nigel Farage look quite so happy. Beatific bordering on ecstasy.
And all because he had been cancelled. Something he has longed for all his
career. Failing to be elected as an MP on seven separate occasions was just
proof of the limitations of democracy. Winning the Brexit referendum was almost
a disappointment. What was there left for him to do? Other than to sniff around
the far right in the US. Hoping for scraps. A sense of identity. But on Tuesday
all his dreams came true.
Last year’s
National Conservatism conference in London had been largely forgettable apart
from a few attention-seeking appearances from people most go out of their way
to avoid. And even these were no more than period pieces, designed merely to
preach to the couple of hundred of the already converted. An exercise in
futility. No more, no less.
A year
later, this rather sad bandwagon had moved on to Brussels. Many of the same
speakers due to reprise their less than stellar turns. Apart from Douglas
Murray, who had found better things to do. Presumably this gig is now way too
small for Dougie’s ego these days. It’s warmup act for Jordan Peterson or
nothing. But in his place, the organisers had managed to recruit Viktor Orbán
and Éric Zemmour. Who could resist such a delightful pair?
This had
been the chronicle of a slow death foretold. Even before the conference had
begun, it was already on to its third venue. The first two had decided the
damage to their reputation was too big a risk to take. Much like Rwanda Air
declining to transport the UK’s unwanted asylum seekers.
But at the
11th hour, another location had been found and the conference got under way.
Largely slipping under everyone’s radar. No UK news channel was broadcasting a
live feed. Nor was there even a YouTube feed. I guess the only people who were
interested were the couple of hundred people who had paid through the nose for
an opportunity to get within touching distance of this niche lineup.
It was late
morning when Nige stepped up to give his keynote speech. What had happened in
the previous couple of hours was anyone’s guess. Almost certainly a few members
of the elite moaning about how the elite were taking over the world and
squeezing them out. Have they no idea of how stupid they sound? Or does irony
escape them? The only people squeezing them out are themselves. Their voices do
regularly get heard. Just no one is very interested.
Nige
sounded almost comatose at first. Then who could blame him, for this was a
speech he had given literally hundreds of time before? No notes, obviously.
That might suggest some work had gone into it. Money for old rope. Kerching.
The bank transfer had just gone through. There’s clearly a market for this kind
of thing. Radio Absolute Politics Gold. Never knowingly playing you something
you’ve never heard before.
On and on
he went. Brussels was the centre of the globalist alliance. Yawn. Spitfires
over the Channel. Theme music for The Great Escape. The EU was no longer a
project of peace. It was a project of power. Full of humourless German
socialists. Yet more yawns.
The only
vaguely new line was Nige declaring that the EU was responsible for the drone
attacks that had been launched against Israel the previous weekend. That will
be news to Iran. No one thought to applaud. His audience was just as soporific
as he was.
Then it all
changed. Word got through that three police officers were standing outside the
entrance to the venue, refusing to admit anyone. Local mayor Emir Kir had
decided he could do without a bunch of superannuated rightwingers taking root
in his city for a couple of days. Nige couldn’t have been happier.
“They’re
shutting us down,” he declared, excitedly. “This is cancel culture.” Free the
Nige One. Free the NatCons 186. For the first time in ages, Nige felt relevant
again. He was important. People were listening to him. He had a purpose that
extended further than trying to make the Conservative party even more
unelectable than it already was.
The
conference was finally on the map. It had become news. People were suddenly
listening after all. Obviously not to any of the speakers. No one cared what
Suella Braverman or Miriam Cates were planning to say. Because they were only
ever going to say what they always say. Yawn.
But they
would listen to Nige, who had moved himself out to the foyer to stick his face
in front of every available news camera. This was D-day and Dunkirk all rolled
into one. For about 20 minutes or so. Then Nige sloped off in his car and the
conference could glide back to obscurity.
Not that
there wasn’t enough rightwing chaos going on back home in the UK. Most of it
supplied by Liz Truss. Two years ago, Liz was obviously mad but displayed fewer
outside signs. Now she laughs hysterically and inappropriately and also seems
to have no idea of what has actually happened to her. Bizarrely, her
humiliation has only increased her self-confidence. Her denial and detachment
from reality is almost complete. It’s as though she has no idea she is the star
of her own version of The Truman Show. Only this one is a comedy gameshow.
Though with the joke on us.
Liz started
the day by giving yet another exclusive TV interview. Like Nige, she only knows
she’s alive when she’s in front of a camera. Though that’s also the only time
we can be sure she’s brain dead. This time she was speaking to TalkTV’s 18
viewers.
And out
came all the old nonsense. She was just a genius way ahead of her time. People
should have been happy to pay more for their mortgages for the privilege of
having her. The problem with the UK was unelected elites. Said the unelected
elite. Oxford must be thrilled to have had her as a student. The dimmest of the
dim. Which perversely makes her an anti-elite elite, I suppose.
But Liz was
not yet done as she made a rare Commons appearance for the smoking debate. The
health secretary, Victoria Atkins, opened proceedings but rather left it to
Labour’s Wes Streeting to make the case that preventing people from dying
unnecessarily was a good idea. Partly because she all but admitted that the
Tories were going to lose the election anyway so it was up to Labour to see
this through. But also because her delivery is so annoying and lacklustre that
even her supporters end up disagreeing with her.
Then up
stepped the Trusster. She felt it was profoundly unconservative to try to stop
people killing themselves. Given the choice, she would legalise fentanyl. No
more nanny state. Live and let die. Too many unelected doctors allowing their
expertise to go to their head. Next time Liz needs an angioplasty, perhaps she
could get a five-year-old to have a go. Please. Please.
Someone make this stop.
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