So Russell Brand was baptised in the Thames, and
all his sins were washed away. Cheaper than a lawyer, I suppose
Marina Hyde
His journey to Christianity was very moving, and
infinitely more spiritual than his trip to the police station to deny criminal
allegations
Tue 14 May
2024 17.21 CEST
Ahazmat
dredger, please, to the stretch of the River Thames in which Russell Brand was
recently baptised, in an event apparently conducted by TV adventurer and chief
scout Bear Grylls. I know, it’s incredible: Thames Water is no longer
responsible for the biggest piece of shit in the river.
In his
mystical biography of the Thames, Peter Ackroyd observed: “There are some parts
of the river that create or harbour distinct properties that are not
susceptible to rational analysis.” And I think we might be dealing with one of
those properties right here. Rational analysis deserts me as I survey a
recently released photo of a topless Brand, a topless Bear, and the
unidentified owner of what appears to be an S-reg Japanese hannya mask back
tattoo embracing in the waist-deep current. Then again, it’s possible the third
figure is actually identified. The Brand-penned caption on this Insta-trocity
runs: “Me, Bear Grylls, The River Thames and of course, The Holy Spirit.”
Sorry, but does the Holy Spirit now have a back tattoo? Game’s gone.
Theodicy is
an attempt to reconcile a just God with a world of suffering, but in this case
the problem is having to explain how on earth this lot weren’t made to suffer
far more, with at least E coli, for this ludicrous spectacle. But before we go
any further, a reminder that Brand has been accused of rape, sexual assault and
emotional abuse by at least four women in a joint investigation last year by
Channel 4’s Dispatches and the Sunday Times. He has been questioned twice under
caution by the Metropolitan police and denies all the allegations. On the other
hand, the Sachsgate alumnus will always retain goodwill for his endorsement
swinging the 2015 general election for Labour.
It’s fair
to say this was not explicitly touched on by Grylls in his stated reflection on
the baptism, which simply declared: “Faith and spiritual moments in our lives
are really personal, but it is a privilege to stand beside anyone when they
express a humble need for forgiveness and strength from above.” Righto. Has
Brand asked for forgiveness from the 16-year-old schoolgirl who alleges he sent
cars to her school to bring her to his house (he denies it all), or is he
focusing on “from above” as a useful generalised covering-off device – the
Notes-app apology of taking responsibility? Or indeed, speaking of tattoos, the
“Only God Can Judge Me” tattoo of taking responsibility? (I very much enjoyed
the intro to a news story last year which ran: “A man whose many tattoos
include Tupac Shakur’s ‘Only God Can Judge Me’ appeared before Miami-Dade
judges on Thursday and Friday in bond court.”)
Anyway,
back to the Grylls statement on the Brand baptism, which concludes:
“Friendships when we go through tough times are worth so much.” What twee
twattery is this? Please picture it cross-stitched into a sampler and
wall-mounted in whatever five-star Costa Rican hotel room Bear’s staying in
during the filming of upcoming Netflix series Bear Hunt, presented by former
This Morning co-host Holly Willoughby. Poor Holly. You travel half the way
across the world to escape brand contamination, then your co-star comes down
with Brand contamination.
As for
Bear, his decision to yoke himself to Brand is intriguing. Their friendship
seems to have begun last year, when Russell filmed an episode of his Apple show
Running Wild With Bear Grylls in the Hebrides, although that was before The
Unpleasantness emerged. To see it persist afterwards has raised a number of
eyebrows. But of course Grylls is, famously, a great advocate for embracing
risk in life. And with this latest buddyship, he definitely runs the risk of
troubling his employers at the Scout Association who, for obvious historic
reasons, probably don’t feel an immense need for their chief scout to be
creep-adjacent.
Yet the
question of what really draws the two men to each other is arguably less
obscure than it seems. Certainly neither is held back by self-doubt. Both are
prone to emanating a certain sense that the rules that apply to lesser mortals
are an affront to themselves. Discussing his financial affairs, Grylls once
told an interviewer: “I find it demoralising to pay income tax at 40 per cent
when I work really hard and spend a lot of time away from my family.” Mm. Can’t
help feeling he should toughen up a bit.
There’s not
a whole lot less appealing than someone now worth an estimated £20m whining
about paying his fair share like everyone else from nurses to teachers. That
said, I’m a huge fan of people who talk about making extremely lucrative TV
shows like it’s a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Appallingly, Bear’s only got an
OBE. Where’s his George Cross for taking down Una from the Saturdays in the
Central American jungle?
Concluding
with Brand, his spiritual journey has been what you might expect of a
bog-standard sex-case-turned-wingnut. He was previously a Buddhist, then
earlier this year began endorsing a Roman Catholic prayer app called Hallow,
and seems to have settled for now on whichever branch of the Anglican faith
permits telly survivalists to rebirth you. “Week one as a Christian has been
amazing,” Brand said the other day, adding that he felt “changed,
transitioned”. Onlookers are unlikely to spot the difference. He still has a
conspiracist TV portal in which viewers are treated to material on the deep
state/Bill Gates/the plandemic – in short, all the usual suspects of the usual
suspects. It’s hard to know how long his conversion will last. But you can’t
help thinking there will only be room for one messiah in that relationship –
and unfortunately, it won’t be Jesus.
Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist
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