Fresh
from his international lap of honour, Starmer’s next role was Biden
mourner-in-chief
John Crace
If things
don’t work out for the PM in No 10, he has a glorious alternative career ahead
of him delivering heartfelt eulogies
Mon 22 Jul
2024 18.49 BST
Think of it
as more a lap of honour. We’d all seen the pictures. A grateful world receives
Keir Starmer at the Nato summit in Washington. A saviour in their midst. A week
later European leaders bask in the summer heat at Blenheim. An early evening
tryst with Emmanuel Macron on a bed of rose petals. All was for the best in the
best of all possible worlds. More or less.
But needs
must. Call it a formality. Call it a courtesy. Either way on Monday afternoon
the prime minister was in the House of Commons to tell MPs all about how
brilliant he had been at Nato and the European Political Community. How it had
been very heaven to be alive in that moment. Cometh the hour, cometh the man.
It was days like these that made the job all worthwhile. Shooting the breeze
with the great and the good.
First
though, Starmer had to discharge a most solemn duty. In recent weeks, you might
have come away with the impression that Keir had thought that no American
president had ever been sharper of mind than Joe Biden. The man to lead the US
for four more glorious years.
This was all
now a misapprehension. It had never happened. Because the prime minister was
sad to say that he had never thought Biden should stand for a second term.
Principally because he was now dead. If things don’t work out for Starmer in No
10, he has a glorious alternative career ahead of him: as mourner-in-chief at
the funeral of those with no friends or relatives. The heartfelt eulogy for
someone he had never known.
At least
that was the gist of Starmer’s opening statement. Biden had been a great, great
leader. Cue the muffled drums. Go silently into the dark night. His was a loss
not just to the American people but to the whole world.
You half
expected Keir to burst into tears. You can earn big bucks doing these sorts of
international gigs. The UK would of course work with whoever the US chose as
their next president. But we would never see Biden’s like again. Pause for a
two-minute silence – a silence punctuated only by the president trying to
escape the coffin in which the rest of the world had put him. “Let me out”.
This must
all have been galling for Rishi Sunak. It should have been him boasting about
how much Biden had meant to him. How close they had been. It should have been
him who got the photo ops in Washington and Blenheim. Could have been him if
only he hadn’t been daft enough to call a July general election. Why hadn’t he
listened to all his advisers and held out till November? For one last summer of
self-love.
But nothing
has become Rishi’s term in office so much as his leaving of it. Hardly a trace
of bitterness on offer. Quite unexpected from a man previously so thin-skinned.
Maybe part of him is relieved that it’s all over.
In any case,
he exuded grace. Starmer had done a good job on the world stage. He hadn’t
rubbed anyone up the wrong way. Hadn’t used the wrong knife and fork at the
banquet. He wasn’t even that bothered Keir was planning to create closer ties
with the EU while pretending that he was committed to the single market and the
customs union. If everyone colluded that no lines had been blurred, then all
lines could be blurred.
Late in
life, Starmer and Sunak have struck up an unusual bromance. Having abused each
other for years, they now compete to lavish praise on one another. You’re the
best. No, you’re the best. Keir even mistakenly referred to Rish! as “prime
minister”. There’s something quite unnerving about it all. Maybe it’s just the
size of the majority that has changed the relationship. After all, loads of
Tory MPs also queued up to congratulate Starmer on his largely imaginary
diplomacy. It’s amazing how not falling over impresses some people. On days
like these, Keir must think he has the easiest job in the world.
Next up was
a Commons statement from Yvette Cooper on illegal migration. Here was her
update after spending the last couple of weeks going through the Home Office
books. Imagine her bewilderment at finding everything was much – MUCH – worse
than she had been led to believe. We were all astonished.
£700m to
send four volunteers to Rwanda was just the start of it. She had now discovered
that the real cost of the scheme was more like £10bn over six years. A figure
that rocketed to £30-£40bn later in her speech. That’s inflation for you. I’m
not at all convinced that Yvette has a GCSE in maths. But it went down well
with Labour MPs packed into the government benches.
Mind you,
Cooper is very good at sounding convinced by herself. I guess that’s what marks
people out for high office. A confidence bordering on insanity. She rather
glossed over what she was going to do to sort the problem out. Other than smash
the gangs. And get a proper returns policy. Though it wasn’t clear where she
was going to return the Afghans, Iranians and Syrians to. Perhaps the plan is
to send the Afghans to Syria. The Syrians to Iran. And the Iranians to
Afghanistan. That way you can mitigate the oppression.
James
Cleverly seems quite suited to life as shadow home secretary. A position in
keeping with his natural idleness and general incompetence. Sure, he misses the
first-class travel and the government limos, but there’s something to be said
for not really being expected to do very much. That way you never have to prove
how out of your depth you really are.
So it was a
very half-hearted Jimmy Dimly who responded on behalf of the opposition. He
knew the Conservatives’ Rwanda plan was batshit crazy and life was too short to
get that worked up about what the new government’s plans were. Either it would
work – in which case no harm done by staying largely silent – or it wouldn’t.
In which case there would be plenty of time to say “I told you so” later. No
need to sweat the small stuff. He waved his hands a bit, huffed and puffed and
sat down having bored himself. Hardly a leadership bid.
You might
have thought Nigel Farage would have had something to say on migration, but he
left the chamber before the start of the statement. Presumably he had a
well-paid gig at GB News to attend. So it was left to Richard Tice to say
something irrelevant. Or Richard Trice as the speaker called him. This one’s a
keeper. Welcome to Dicky Trice.
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