All hail Viktor Orbán, the hero Europe needs!
Say what you like about the Hungarian prime minister,
but his messaging is clear.
DECLASSIFIED
JULY 5, 2024 4:00 AM CET
BY PAUL DALLISON
https://www.politico.eu/article/all-hail-viktor-orban-hero-eu-needs-make-europe-great-again/
Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
Hello and welcome to the first meeting of the Marxist
Convict Party! No, wait, it’s the Put Compassion First Party! Or maybe the
Old-Fashioned Independent Party!
Those were the first three suggestions that came out
when your author used a political party random name generator.
Names are so important. Why European Politics Is So
Damn Frustrating (Part 754) is the often confusing names used: I’m looking at
you, European People’s Party (the party) and European People’s Party (the
group).
So thank goodness for Hungary’s Viktor Orbán (yeah, I
actually wrote that down) who is great at naming things. First, and as already
discussed in this column, he broke the time-honored tradition of awful Council
of the European Union presidency slogans by coming up with “Make Europe Great
Again” and then he launched a new faction in the European Parliament and called
it Patriots of Europe.
You know where you stand with a name like Patriots of
Europe (ideally, as far away as possible!). It’s going to be right-wing,
anti-immigration and wearing an ill-fitting gray suit. In fact, looking at the
launch photos featuring Orbán, the Czech Republic’s Andrej Babiš and Austria’s
Herbert Kickl, it wasn’t clear if this was the start of a political movement or
the reformation of a punk band that used to be cool but now posts YouTube
videos claiming that the pandemic was a hoax and that Ursula von der Leyen is
actually Hillary Clinton.
Alas, André Ventura of Portugal’s Chega party, which
wants to sign up for Patriots of Europe, looks rather younger than the other
three (all hail the Mediterranean diet!). So he must be the new member, who
replaced the original drummer who won’t join the reunion because he runs an
alpaca farm in Friesland (or something along those lines).
“European people want three things,” Orbán said at the
launch of his new movement: “Peace, order and development.” He contrasted that
with “what they get from the current Brussels elite,” which he said was “war,
migration and stagnation.” Now, in the world of writing, we call that the rule
of three as listing things in threes kinda looks nice. (Unless it’s European
People’s Party, for the reasons outlined above).
And then — fresh from, er, saving Europe — Orbán
headed off on a surprise visit to Ukraine. Hopefully it was just a surprise to
the press and not to Volodymyr Zelenskyy! Imagine waking up after another
restful night’s sleep and then hearing the sound of Russian shells falling to
discover Viktor Orbán is at your door, wearing a MEGA hat and a Patriots of
Europe T-shirt. “Hey, Volodymyr! Great to see you. Let’s end this war now; I’ve
got Vladimir on speed dial.”
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